Ages 9–10 · 8 little discoveries
Hece’s Feelings Notebook: Viewpoints and Support
Eight lessons for ages 9–10 about feelings and getting along: mixed feelings, another viewpoint, guesses and evidence, I-statements, options in a conflict, limits and a respectful no, repairing harm, and a support network. No feeling is forced; the cards show possibilities.
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Mixed feelings
Name two feelings that can be true together in one situation, and say why both are real.
One moment can hold more than one feeling. Piko is about to start a race. Piko feels happy and feels worried at the same time. This is called mixed feelings.
Feelings can seem to pull in opposite directions. Tosbi is glad that a friend won the game, but also sad, because Tosbi did not get a turn. Both feelings can be there, and both make sense.
You do not have to fit everything into one word. Naming one feeling does not cancel the other. First say what happened. Then look at each feeling on its own.
Piko can say, “I feel happy and a little worried.” Both feelings are now visible. A friend can understand the whole picture, not just one part of it.
Another viewpoint
Tell what a person could see or hear from their place, before judging what happened.
The same event can look different from different places. Hece stands in front of a garden wall. Piko stands on a bench. Tosbi sits by the gate. A ball rolls behind the wall.
A person sees what their place allows. Hece sees the ball disappear. Piko can see over the wall, so Piko sees where the ball landed. Hece could not see that part.
Before you decide what happened, ask: what could this person see or hear from where they stand? Then ask what they could not see. This question helps you judge fairly.
Understanding another view does not mean agreeing with it. It helps you talk together. Say what you saw, listen to what they saw, and then decide your next step together.
Guess and evidence
Sort a statement into guess or evidence, and pick a question that checks a guess before deciding.
Tosbi did not wave back today. Tosbi might not have seen Piko. That is a guess, and a guess is not yet a fact. A guess is an idea that still needs checking.
Evidence is something we can observe or check: what someone said out loud, what we saw, what we heard, or a record of what happened. Evidence can be shown to someone else.
To check a guess, gather more facts before you decide. Ask the person, look again, or find a record. If the guess is still unclear, keep it as a guess and say so.
Say a guess as a guess: “Maybe Tosbi did not see me.” This keeps the guess honest. It is not the same as saying “Tosbi ignored me”, which claims something we have not checked.
I-statements
Build a sentence that names the feeling, the situation and one clear request.
Sometimes a sentence can make a friend feel blamed. “You always cut in line!” tells the other person what they are. It starts an argument, because the listener wants to defend themselves.
An “I-statement” tells three things: how I feel, what happened, and what I need. For example: “I feel left out when I wait so long. Could we make a turn list?”
An I-statement does not judge the other person. It describes my feeling and the situation. Listeners can then hear the need and act on it, instead of arguing about who is to blame.
Before you speak, do three quick checks: name the feeling, describe the situation in one sentence, and choose one clear request. Keep the request small enough to do today.
Options in a conflict
List more than one option in a conflict, and choose one that keeps both needs in view.
Hece and Tosbi both want the same book. Each one has a fair reason. Hece wants to finish a story, and Tosbi wants to look at the pictures first. A conflict does not always mean someone is wrong.
Before you choose, write down more than one option. The first idea is not always the best one. Ask: what could be fair for both people, even if it is not perfect?
A good option keeps both needs in view. Hece can read a part of the story while Tosbi looks at the pictures. Or they can take turns, one page each. Both choices take both needs seriously.
Try the choice, then talk about it. If it does not work, choose another option. A conflict is solved when both people can live with the plan, not when one person wins.
Limits and a respectful no
Tell a respectful no in one clear sentence, and choose a reaction that respects the other person’s no.
Everyone has limits. A limit is what someone does not want to do, or does not want done to them. Piko can say no to a game, and that is a fair choice to make.
A respectful no is short, clear and kind. For example: “No, I do not want to play that now. Can I join in later?” It says what you do not want and what you could do instead.
When someone hears no, the respectful reply is to stop and accept it. Asking again and again, or pressing someone to change their mind, is not listening. A no is still a no after the first time.
If someone keeps pressing after you have said no, you do not have to handle it alone. Tell a grown-up you trust, right away. This is a good step, even with a friend.
A repair plan
Name what happened, apologise without excuses, offer one concrete repair and say what will change.
Sometimes we hurt someone by accident. Piko tore Tosbi’s half-finished picture. What happened is the torn picture. Piko also knows that Tosbi felt upset. Both parts matter in a repair.
A good repair has three parts: name what you did without excuses, say sorry clearly, and offer one real repair. Then say what you will do differently next time.
“I am sorry, but you...” is not an apology. It turns the blame back on the other person. Keep your apology short and clear: “I am sorry I tore your picture. I can help you finish it.”
A promise helps only if you keep it. Choose one thing you can really do next time, such as “I will ask before I touch your work.” Then do it, and let your actions show the repair.
My support network
Name trusted people who can help with a big feeling, and say how to ask for support clearly.
Some feelings grow big. They can make it hard to sleep, study or play. When that happens, you do not have to carry the feeling alone. Help can come from several people.
Trusted grown-ups can be family members, a teacher or the school counsellor. A friend can listen, but a big worry may need a grown-up. Choose someone who can help.
Asking for support is not weakness. You can say it clearly: “I feel worried today. Could we talk for a few minutes?” Say what happened, how you feel and what would help.
If a feeling lasts for many days, makes you feel unsafe, or keeps you from your usual life, tell a trusted grown-up straight away. If someone asks you to keep a secret from grown-ups, tell a trusted grown-up too.